What Did You Do With Jill?Jill Whalen's healthy lifestyle transformation                                               

[Jill’s Note: If you prefer to listen rather than read, please scroll to the bottom of this post for the audio version. See also the corresponding video on this topic.]

I was gifted with a HUGE insight recently. I saw how what I perceived as a verbal attack on me was not what I thought it was. With this realization, it was crystal clear where my bad/mad/scared feelings came from.

I felt attacked based on my own deep-seated unconscious beliefs that I was not good enough. Beliefs, I daresay, that I didn’t even know I had!

In other words, my feelings were 100% created from my own insecure thoughts–not what was said to me.

When I realized this, I saw through the illusion I had innocently created in my mind.

Here’s the story of what happened, and the insight that came from it…

A Snail Mail Tale

Most of the snail mail we get delivered is junk mail, so I’m rarely in a hurry to take it out of the mailbox. For the past few years, our daughter has been picking it up on the way home from her walks. This month, however, she’s been staying with her grandmother.

The other morning, it occurred to my husband before heading to work that the mail may not have been brought in for awhile. So he asked me if I wanted him to pick it up on his way out. It was a simple, innocuous question, but I felt myself tense up and become defensive.

Apparently, in my mind, I had determined that it was MY job to get the mail. Obviously I was falling down on the job! Of course my husband never said that, nor implied it, yet that’s what I heard. I felt my old familiar anxiety rise up within me as I told him, “It’s fine. It’s all junk mail anyway. I’ll check it later.”

Unbeknownst to me, he checked it anyway on his way to work. About an hour later I saw a message from him flash by that said, “The post office took the mail.” I immediately knew that meant the mailbox had become too full, so the mail carrier left a note and brought the mail back to the post office.

Again, I tensed up.

I felt myself become defensive, as if under attack.

“Why was he purposely trying to make me feel bad?” were the thoughts that went through my mind.

I decided to ignore his message for awhile. In my warped thinking, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right about how “lazy” I was. I also knew that responding when I was feeling anxious was not a good idea–I still had some wits about me!

Eventually, I calmed down. I still hadn’t responded to him, but I looked online to see if there was a way to tell the post office to redeliver the mail without me having to go pick it up. (See…I told you I was lazy!) When it was clear that I was going to have to make the trip to the post office, I figured I’d need the note they left in the box. So I finally responded to my husband’s message by asking if he had the note. He told me it was still in the mailbox.

That was the extent of our “conversation.”

I’m not sure when the realization hit me. But at some point, it was crystal clear that he was simply providing me with the facts of the situation. Neither he, nor his message were the reason I felt attacked. Even if he was judging me and thinking I was lazy (and I don’t believe he was) he couldn’t be the cause of my bad feelings.

I’m the only one with the power to make myself feel bad.

In other words, I had innocently attacked myself via my thoughts, and blamed it on my husband. God knows how many other times in our 34 years of marriage that I’ve done that!

As you can see, the situation itself was trivial. I’m sure that’s how it sounded to you as you were reading it. It seems that way to me now, too. But while I was in the throes of it, it sure seemed like a big f’n deal!

Which is kind of scary.

Just think how often we make big deals out of nothing.

All because we’re pretending to be some sort of preposterously perfect person.

These kinds of interactions and misinterpretations happen to us every single day. It’s all the little comments that we take personally, which cause most of our relationship problems.

Imagine what may have happened if I didn’t see through my made-up mail tale. It’s probable that I would have spent the day feeling bad and blaming my husband for it. And/or I may have said something unkind to him at some point.

I could have easily started an unnecessary fight.

All because of my own insecurities.

How many arguments could be avoided if we could only see through our illusions?

Imagine how much better all of our relationships could be if we were more attuned to our own habits of insecure thinking.

Now I know some of you are thinking that I’m blaming and/or shaming the victim. Yet that’s not it at all. In no way am I saying that we are purposely causing our own suffering. We cannot control the thoughts that come into our heads.

We are never purposely making ourselves feel bad.

Our thoughts come to us, and we unconsciously react to them.

That’s our lives. It’s all done innocently based on old habits. We’re no different than good ‘ole Pavlov’s Dog.

I’m also not saying that other people are never mean to us. People can definitely be mean due to their own insecurities. But when we are able to see where our reactions to them come from, bad situations can easily and quickly be diffused.

How often are you upset over something someone said to you? Is it possible that it’s your own insecurities at the heart of the matter?

–Jill

Prefer listening? Click the green arrow below!

Jill Whalen

CONTACT JILL WHALEN to learn how she may help you be the best you can be.

Jill is the author of Victim of Thought: Seeing Through the Illusion of Anxiety

Prefer videos? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel now!

For the past 20 years, Jill has consulted with companies big and small, and spoken at conferences all over the world. She is currently a transformational speaker and mentor to businesses, individuals, coaches, leaders, groups and organizations. She helps them uncover their natural well-being and happiness so that they can operate from a clearer state of mind and take their lives and businesses to a higher level.

Jill's blog, What Did You Do With Jill? is a personal account of what she's learned throughout her transformational journey. Jill has many "viral" articles on LinkedIn and is a contributing writer for P.S. I Love You.

Stay abreast of Jill's latest musings and offerings by subscribing to her newsletter here.